Thursday, October 1, 2009

No you can't push Great Grandma in the pool, she's my mother, let me help....

We've all heard of coke bottle glasses right? The big thick lenses with thick black frames; well, forget the coke bottles, I'll have enough empty vodka bottles by noon, and I’ll be able to take over Lenscrafters.
I touched a little on the colorful people in my life in yesterdays post. I mentioned the dysfunction dynamics that makes up my family. Today I’d like to elaborate a bit more on some of that. My Parents. Super good people, Love Love Love them to pieces. At times, little, tiny, crunched up, squished pieces. But none the less, I adore the shit out of them. They spent a lifetime giving me and my sisters everything we needed, wanted and often shouldn't have gotten. They loved us, nurtured us, taught us, wiped our asses, feed and clothed us.
It was a trick. PAYBACK .

Exhibit 1. I am in the yard, I am in the process of hooking up the pool vacuum. My mother, hmmm what shall we name her for future reference, How bout Queen. OK, so Queen comes out, stands at the pool edge and proclaims “the pool needs to be vacuumed” I look at her shocked.
My grandson, whom is two, sneaks over and puts his hand behind her as if to teasingly push her in the pool, first instinct…Let me help! Reaction... no baby you can’t push Great- Grandma in the pool. Thought racing through my mind…only I get that pleasure. Now this may sound mean and spiteful at first glance, but let me first introduce…

Exhibit 2. A warm sunny afternoon, birds are chirping, sun is shining and all that, I walk in the house, Queen and hmmmm, what to call Dad, Bishop. Anyway, Queen and Bishop are eating some ice cream and strawberries with my visiting sister. I sit down to visit as well, and my sister, whom we can call Mrs. Martini, grabs a bowl off the counter to give me some ice cream and berries as well. So nice right? Anyway after I finish, the queens smirks and says that was the bowl I gave my dog ice cream from. This is when I hear the sound of a needle screeching across a record. What!?!? Rewind, why are you disclosing this NOW?!?! Well, he licked it so clean I didn’t know, Mrs. Martini claims. You had already taken a bite and my mouth was full my mother says. This brings us back to exhibit 1. Understand???

Exhibit 3. My sister’s neighbors are two sweet little old ladies. They are in fact, sisters. Said sisters are in the middle of a foreclosure and would like to sell their refrigerator before they move. My mother decides she wants to purchase it as an additional refrigerator so we have some extra space for holidays and what not. Not a bad idea. We do have half of the county residing with us at this point.

The new refrigerator…. Thanks old ladies next door! This morning, our father is measuring several different spots around the 18 inch by 18 inch room we call the laundry/pantry. This said mammoth refrigerator will not fit, I mean it will, if it's never, ever opened and no one wishes to ever carry a load of laundry through the room again. My suggestion, how bout put it in garage, it’s right outside said laundry room. “Nope, Nope, no”, that won’t work my father insists. Why? I ask. “Well, it won’t get used for one thing.” Keep in mind, the garage is maybe 20 feet from the existing refrigerator we use in the actual kitchen. Now I’m no expert on distance, but it doesn’t appear to be all that far. Ok, Dad, well there’s always the option of duct taping it to the ceiling and doing a dash by opening of it, allowing the contents to drop to the floor each time you want some left over green beans. He scowls. An angry scowl I might add. “But hey, call me crazy, I'd rather not eat them off the floor that no one can walk on because there's no room.” So on to Dad’s next idea, how bout we put wheels on it and attach it to the door that goes into the garage, if you want to go out the door, you just turn the door knob and the door opens with the entire said mammoth refrigerator attached. I can't believe I didn't come up with this brilliant idea myself. How revolutionary. Again, I had the stupidest idea ever, how bout put it 6 inches farther which places it just OUTSIDE the door in the garage. Wellllll, silly girl of lesser intelligence, that won't work because no one will use it and it will cost more to have it IN the garage. Apparently, I hadn’t been clued in on the secret fact that electric companies charge more for outlets used in a garage rather than a house. I'm going out on a limb here and making a broad spectrum statement to all of the world, if you can't effin walk an extra 3 steps to the refrigerator, then really you don't need to eat from it in the first effin place. God help us all, I'm going to teach my Grand babies to be very, very careful of what they do to piss off their parents, because one day, ONE DAY, the sneaky fuckers WILL get them back. No more diapers kids, pee in the toilet from birth, trust me on this, you'll thank me one day!

In all seriousness folks, dealing with aging parents can be very trying and will require patience and large quantities of Vodka. It can be a challenging responsibility and it's very important to develop good observation and communication skills and to allow them to make as many decisions as possible to make them feel in control and give them a sense of value. Keep your eyes open and pay attention to any changes in their ability to make decisions, attentiveness, attitude and demeanor.

This is exactly why I highly recommend looking at life through the bottom of a vodka bottle. Things are much clearer now.

The AARP has some extremely helpful information on this subject at



  1. You made me spit drink through my nose at "that was the bowl I gave my dog ice cream from". Very funny. lessoned learned, never get two refrigerators.

  2. well Thanks Mr Innocent, I was planning on inventing the first ever Vodka nasal rinse...brilliant!

  3. I like the way you are writing.When I read your profile i feltlike i was talking to you.
    Make short postings .one idea ata time. That will bring you more readers!
    Keep in touch! follwme at

  4. Dsea,
    lmao, he really would have rather put the fridge on rollers, lmao. The voice of reason through a tinkers mind, how brilliant. Loved it.
    Bess says hi.

  5. Bob,
    Thanks much for the kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed. You and Bess come for a cocktail around the pool sometime. I'll blow up the kiddie pool and stock with some "reds" for you and the

  6. Hi, new reader here.

    Oh my frickin' god, this was hi.lar.ious!! I even snorted once. LMAO This was very useful information, thank you. I knew I kept liquor around for a reason. Mainly for the in-laws, though. :)

    You now have a new follower.

  7. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Vodka. Love it mixed with lemonade!

    ~Jenn (Ex Hot Girl)

  8. ok gross with the ice cream bowl and yeah I would have been pulling my hair out with the refirg. Too funny~

  9. OK from your disclosure i guess it means that if i were to happen to push my mother into the pool that i can't blame it on you... right?


    Stopping in from SITS!!! :-)

    visit me

  10. Thanks Michelle, Jen & klynch. Much appreciated. Michelle, In-laws may require the straight up version of Thirsty Thursdays cocktail of the week. We'll talk more later. :-P

    Holly Ann- My suggestion, a quick hip-check...I'm just saying...